Chosen

Dear One,

I thought this would be a love letter.

I’d been writing it in my head for a few days now.

Things I’ve been loving about you lately.

How you held my hand again the last time I saw you.

Your excitement to hear about my dating life and my professional growth and how you loved my new turquoise underwear.

The way I’ve been feeling us moving closer together.

But tonight, your text made me small and insignificant.

I wonder, have I made it all up in my head?

The intimacy I felt growing between us, since the first time we met.

Am I actually just a convenient and accommodating fuck?

Maybe I’m just someone who bends to your needs and doesn’t ask for more.

Every three weeks or so I get a message from you, asking how I’ve been.

I respond pretty minimally because I’ve learned that’s more comfortable for you.

Then you ask if I’d like to get together soon, and offer one or two times that work for you.

Up until now, I’ve always been able to make it work.

It’s been easy.

This time, you only offered one night and I can’t do it.

My monthly women’s circle is meeting and it’s my turn to lead.

I even considered canceling just so I could see you.

But I caught myself, remembering who I am and how important this is to me.

So I offered four other nights in the next week and a half that I could see you.

You took two days to reply.

Only to ask if you could let me know the next day.

When I heard from you tonight, you told me none of them worked.

I had also suggested the following week, and so you asked if we could meet then.

Maybe it’s silly.

But it just made me pause and sit with how you make me feel.

Like, really and truly.

I’m snuggled under a blanket on my back porch as the sun sets, and I wonder silently if any of this is actually making me feel good.

Am I learning and growing with you?

Am I feeling valued and respected and honored?

Am I really content with the level of emotional intimacy you can offer, or have I just been telling myself I am?

I don’t know the particular details around why you couldn’t see me.

Maybe it was circumstances outside your control.

But I can’t help feeling like I wasn’t chosen, or prioritized.

And it’s not that you’ve done anything wrong or unreasonable, I know that rationally.

It just made me feel like I’m not someone you can’t wait to see again.

And maybe I’m not.

How do I hold that possibility?

I’m not sure I’m okay with it.

If I’m going to share my heart, my energy, my time with someone…

I want to feel like they treasure it.

I don’t think I need you to be in love with me.

But I do want you to like me.

I do want to feel like you’re looking forward to seeing me in between our meetups.

That you think of me from time to time, and moments we’ve spent together are fond memories that cross your mind.

I’m not feeling treasured right now.

So what do I do?

I care about you, and love our time together.

I think I would miss you deeply should we stop seeing each other.

But also, I don’t want to settle for someone who doesn’t really care about me.

I want to feel wanted, desired, missed.

Chosen.

Not before other people or instead of them.

Just chosen.

I want to mean something in your heart, because you mean a great deal in mine.

I don’t think I’ll respond to you for a while, I need to sit with all of this.

I don’t know where I’ll land, but regardless I am sad.

Sad if I continue with you, never knowing what I really am to you.

And sad if I end it, because I love you.