Larvae 🐞

I’ve counted three so far.

Tiny, black, spotted beings.

I’m sitting on my back porch, thinking of all I should be doing, and keep finding them crawling on me.

Each time I pick them up and gently place them on the vase of flowers nearby, the ones on my quitting smoking altar.

Ladybug larvae.

They’re not as pleasing to look at as their evolved counterparts, but I find myself curious if they bring a message to offer me.

Like the butterfly, ladybugs go through what’s called a complete transformation.

This means they are born into one bodily form, and before they die they change into another form entirely.

Yet unlike butterflies, they do so out in the open, usually atop of a leaf.

How vulnerable, I think.

How exposed.

How brave.

I find I can relate.

This last year has been nothing if not transformative for me, and my inner evolution just seems to continue each day.

Initially, I felt very much in a closed cocoon that I needed to break out of to grow.

Lately, I feel more like these little would-be ladybugs.

Raw and unconfined, laid bare and yet to reach my potential.

This last month I came completely unraveled.

So many huge shifts were happening all at once.

I started hypnotherapy, to help me quit smoking (an addiction I acquired while caring for my dying mom last year).

As we worked to get to the root of my desire to smoke, we had to go way back.

It brought a lot to the surface in me.

Childhood trauma.

Attachment wounds.

My sacrifice of self to care for my loved ones.

It all came flooding through me, escaping through so many tears.

I couldn’t seem to control when they came or how long they flowed, even though I tried.

One such moment occurred on the morning of an overnight visit with Two.

He had kind of dropped the ball on scheduling and there were a couple challenging situations that came up while I was there.

It meant he was distracted and not as present with me as usual, and my feelings were hurt.

It led to me breaking down, unable to stop crying or even articulate exactly why I was.

Two did his best to hold me in that space, but it was much deeper emotion that we usually share and nothing he said actually felt comforting.

I ended up just going home because I didn’t feel regulated enough to really resolve things, and just needed to get out of there.

He texted later that day that he felt very heavy after I left, and wanted to talk soon.

We did.

He suggested an activity called the ‘smorgasbord’.

Apparently it’s a tool for people in relationship with each other to discern what they want, are open to, and don’t want in that particular connection.

I agreed, and kind of dove in head first.

I looked it up online and researched its origins and meaning and variations.

Two uses a spreadsheet when he does it, but I fucking hate spreadsheets.

They make me feel claustrophobic, like someone’s putting me into tiny boxes.

And I hate being put into a box.

I decided I could do better, and made my own.

I added a glossary to mine, because as we talked I noticed Two and I were using the same words but we both had very different definitions for them.

We’ve had a bunch of back and forth texts and audios about it, and the whole thread of conversation has been a catalyst for my poly journey.

It’s made me realize that I’ve reached point in my process of exploring where I actually have enough experience to pause, look around, and reflect.

In the beginning of this chapter, I knew a few things.

I knew I had an immense capacity for love and wanted to share that love with more people.

I knew I wanted to learn about myself and the world, through intimate connections and relationships.

I knew I wanted to practice learning to love others without applying significant attachment to them, or having specific expectations to how things should unfold.

But that was basically it.

I had no idea what I wanted that to look like in tangible dynamics with people.

I also had no idea what I didn’t want yet.

I was starting from scratch in this ENM realm, and knew the only way I’d know more was to try new things and just feel them out in real time.

Now, I’m aware that I have had quite a bit of input to work with.

I have been on four first dates.

I have made three steady connections that I care about deeply and uniquely.

I think the honeymoon phase of my poly dating life has begun to transition into a more realistic understanding, with highs and lows and pauses and uncertainty.

As I try to look within myself and sort through all of these new experiences, I realize how little I’m actually sure of still.

I think I know what I’m open to, but even that depends on the particular dynamic of each connection I have.

I also don’t know exactly where my limits are yet, except for one.

I know I definitely don’t want to just be someone they fuck, and don’t care about.

I know I at least want to feel like there is a sense of reverence and care in how someone holds our shared space.

A potential for friendship and mutual respect.

A presence that communicates to me that I matter to them.

That’s my one firm need I think.

Otherwise, I’m still just learning as I go?

I feel open to things looking all kinds of ways, and actually am enjoying the variety and diversity in my relationship dynamics so far.

I love emotional intimacy, but if I had that in a deep and consistent way with multiple connections I know that would probably not be sustainable for me.

I love passion and desire and sensual exploration, but am aware if I only had that element in all my connections I would miss the emotional piece.

As it is now, on a spectrum of physical intimacy to emotional intimacy, my connections are in chronological order.

One is the most limited in every way, but our dynamic is heavy on in person physical connecting.

Two is right in the middle, with a rich physical intimacy and a steady deepening of solid friendship.

Three is more on the other end of the spectrum, with lots of expressed affection and love and also strong physical desire.

I like them all.

I want them all.

Each brings something special to my life, and offers unique illuminations and insights into my growth and development.

I’m learning so much about myself, yet as I try to articulate where it’s all leading me it feels difficult to find the words.

Maybe I’m just still in my larvae form.

Waiting for the right leaf to emerge in my path.

Where I can finally complete my transformation.

Still it occurs to me, I’ll never be done.

This cycle of birth, death, and rebirth continues on.

For each form I inhabit and each phase I complete, there will always be more waiting.

Another cocoon.

Another leaf.

Another transformation.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit bewildered and intimidated by this knowledge.

But damn if it also doesn’t excite me.