Capacity

It’s been over three months since I wrote about my poly journey.

So much has happened, I don’t know where to begin.

I’ve entered a new chapter.

One of deeper exploration, both physically and emotionally.

I’m learning and growing so much, it’s been difficult to fully process and integrate it all.

I’m navigating love now.

Not just feeling love for someone.

Being in reciprocal love with them.

And I’m discovering a new side of myself.

A submissive nature I’ve always inhabited, but never explored before.

I’ve been lied to.

Had my heart broken.

Been promised longevity and devotion only to have it pulled away again, like a rug out from under my feet.

I’m finding I don’t have endless capacity to hold it all.

Am meeting my edges, the places where my desires and my limitations intersect.

I know it’s time.

Time to shift inward.

To slow down.

Pause, process, digest all of these experiences.

But I don’t know how.

This part of me just keeps growing, yearning, seeking.

Autumn has arrived and the yellow leaves from the walnut tree fall all around me.

As always, the seasons of nature illuminate my own energetic seasons.

I feel the pull to return to myself.

To remember who I am.

And discover where I am, in this moment.

I started down this path with an open heart.

So full of love and so ready to share it.

Yet now that I’ve been hurt, I can feel my trust wavering.

My protective parts are awake and alert, searching for any clues of danger.

I wanted so desperately to connect with people who could meet me where I am.

In the depth, vulnerability, and devotion that flow through me so freely.

I didn’t fully realize it though.

How much more capacity it takes to hold this level of connection.

For all the beauty, excitement, and sweetness that being in love can bring…

I also have to be able to hold the fallout.

I’m learning that loving each other isn’t always enough to be compatible together.

That people may want to show up and meet me in love, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they can.

At first, it seemed to help.

When one connection was feeling distant or ending, to seek out another right away.

It brought me hope when I felt sad and discouraged.

Every rush of a new spark softening the blow of a flame gone out.

What I didn’t understand, is that heart ache doesn’t just disappear.

I now feel a kind of cumulative effect, each painful ending making me more tender and protective of my heart.

The wounds from the last love infecting my ability to trust a new one.

I sense myself trying to vet people now, analyzing every little thing to catch any red flags.

Chemistry can be so blinding at first, I’ve missed important things that I could have seen if my brain wasn’t high on new relationship energy.

I’m learning though, as I go.

Every misstep leads to a new lesson.

Each heart break teaches me more about myself, and what I need in this realm.

I’m building new pathways, seeing new perspectives.

Cultivating relational resilience in my nervous system.

Facing old, deep wounds that keep telling stories I’m tired of believing.

I know all of this, yet still there are days when I feel hopeless.

Disheartened.

Weary.

I wonder if I can truly walk this path.

I’m still not sure.

But I as long as it continues to beat I will keep following my heart.

Whether it pulls me to stretch and leap, or retract and integrate.

I will trust in its wisdom and guidance.

In its courage and capacity.

That it won’t lead me to anything I am not meant for.