Guitar

Tonight he played it for me.

He’s been super shy about it and I honestly thought it would be months from now until I got to hear him.

It was a big deal.

I can’t express how beautiful he was while his fingers danced along the strings.

I’ve never seen him more radiant.

More embodied.

More true.

I know how vulnerable it was for him to share that part of himself with me.

I feel honored to be trusted.

He’s so strong, my warrior.

He fucks me like no one ever has.

I’ve never felt such desire.

Such passion.

Yet there is such tenderness too.

Often when we fuck it’s urgent and intense and hard.

Tonight while he was inside me he slowed.

Stared into my eyes and whispered

When I’m with you all the extras and kink just disappear and all I can think is how beautiful you are, and how lucky I am to be inside you.

I melted.

This man.

This man.

I’ve never found this kind of masculinity so attractive before.

It’s like he’s from another time.

A gentleman.

A working man.

Yet also, he’s so intelligent and open-minded and wise.

And jesus his Daddy energy is off the charts.

I mean off.

Sometimes I realize how in love with him I already am, and I get scared.

I get uncomfortable feelings of wanting more than I can have with him.

Fantasies of living with him and having his babies swirl through my thoughts each day.

Is this ok?

Maybe it’s natural.

I feel such a need to devote myself to him.

Yet am pulled back toward my devotion to my husband too.

I find myself wishing I could be in two places at once.

That I could clone myself and just live two beautiful lives with two beautiful men.

If only.

God he makes me so happy.

Lights me up.

Turns me on.

Protects me, always.

Still sometimes I have grief.

It washes over me in moments when I am acutely aware of my love for him.

And I think about all the things we’ll never get to experience together.

Things that, in another time and place, I can see for us.

Like, really see it all happening.

And I get sad it never will.

It’s been especially hard recently because there’s a chance he and his partner may separate.

He’s been pondering various ways he’ll likely handle it if they do.

When he talks about the possibility of dating someone new, my heart always drops.

Not because I don’t want that for him, I absolutely do.

I want him to have every good and true thing.

But because actually, I wish I could date him.

Like, really date him.

Explore primary partnership.

When these feelings surface, it terrifies me.

I love my husband.

He’s my person, my home, my family.

It’s just.

I love my warrior too.

He is my passion, my protection, my growth.

And he feels like home too, a different home.

Like I said, maybe all of this is natural.

I’ve never tried to be truly devoted to more than one person at once.

I got close with C, but that was over before it ever really started taking shape.

It’s hard, and I’m still figuring it out.

How to balance and track it all, for both of them.

And at the same time stay rooted in my self and stand in my truth.

P leasure

O pening

L it up

Y es Daddy

Sometimes I wonder if I’m really strong and brave enough to be poly.

And then I chuckle because being poly feels like having red hair.

It’s just a part of me.

Maybe it’s a new part, but so are my wrinkles and gray hairs and how I fall asleep at a grandma bedtime.

Those are all parts of me too.

New parts.

New growth.

New ways of being alive.

I really want to be alive.

And completely embody this life, like the crazy miracle it is.

I see his face while he played for me tonight in my mind as I write this, my warrior.

The look of focus and imagination in his eyes.

And when he glanced over at me, the look of adoration in mine.

Such a fucking miracle.