Sometimes this process can feel so fragmented.
This new part of me is growing so fast, and the rest of me just wants to slow down a bit.
I want to allow my heart to grow and expand the way it’s needing to, yet at times it can feel like too much to hold all at once.
So many pieces to carry, so many elements to juggle.
I just want to press pause for a moment.
To take a breath, and rest for a little while.
But it doesn’t seem to work like that.
New connections keep forming, even as old ones fall away.
There is joy and desire and excitement in all that continues to surface in me.
And also grief, loss, and reflection around the places and people I’m leaving behind.
It gets so lonely sometimes, holding it all.
I try to share about it with my friends, but most of them just can’t handle it.
I know they’re trying.
Trying to support me.
Trying to love me.
Trying to accept these changes in who I am becoming.
Yet they can’t understand or relate, and it seems to trigger their own fears around relationships and monogamy.
It feels out of their realm of capacity, and I don’t want to overwhelm or burden them with a subject that is simply too much for them to carry.
Even my husband, my very best friend.
I used to be able to share everything on my mind so freely and unfiltered.
I would just process my thoughts out loud as they were forming, never needing to edit or tiptoe or proceed with caution.
Now I need to be sensitive and mindful in how I share with him.
It’s tender and triggering for him, understandably.
Sharing about feelings for other people, it has to be handled with care and gentleness.
I have to censor the thoughts I share now, sometimes dancing around my truth to create a soft landing as it enters his ears.
I miss how it used to be, like an ache for which I cannot find relief.
I miss him knowing every feeling and thought I’m having, our communication constant and open.
It’s isolating, this new world I’ve entered.
It’s a path not widely accepted or understood in this world.
Even with this blog, I need to stay anonymous for now.
There’s people in my life I don’t want to share this journey with.
Family and friends that I just don’t feel safe knowing what I’m feeling and experiencing.
I find myself feeling so depleted from the energy it takes to hold it all alone.
I’m trying my best.
To stay devoted and present to my current community, while also cultivating new connections that allow room for this new part of me to breathe and thrive.
It’s such a balancing act.
I feel like I’m straddling two very different worlds.
Two distinctly detached versions of myself.
Two parallel yet separate lives.
Fragments of these opposing elements scattered all around me, longing to be re-membered and re-integrated.
It takes so much intention to not spiral into shame and self doubt.
To steer away from judging myself the way I fear I’m being judged by others.
To focus on the beauty and growth and evolution happening in me, rather than the cultural narratives embedded in my psyche.
I hope one day I can feel whole again.
I hope one day I can feel held again.
I hope one day I can feel seen and heard and witnessed truthfully, by the ones who love me most.
Expanding 