Tag: erotic

It’s Monday morning and I’m a mess.

There are many reasons for this.

In the last week, I quit smoking.

Well I tried to quit, am still trying.

I heard from C (ex/first love) that she’d fallen in love with someone new, which made my heart feel like it was inside a trash compactor.

I got in a fight with my best friend; she hurt my feelings and I got mad (I almost never get mad).

And I realized I was falling in love with someone new.

I’ll call him Three.

Three came out of nowhere.

I had been hoping for months to meet someone who was more emotionally available than One and Two.

Someone who could meet me in my deep feelings, and didn’t shy away from expressing affection with me.

I’d just about given up and let go of that hope.

Then Three showed up.

His sweet smile shining through my phone screen.

He felt gentle, loving, sensitive, genuine, and safe.

So open and accessible.

So ready to share and receive.

So consistent in his efforts to build a connection with me.

Right after we started talking, I got really sick with tonsillitis, and he was so patient with me while I recovered.

Checking in on me almost daily to offer loving sentiments and support, and assuring me I could take as much time as I needed and he’d be there waiting.

We started sending voice notes, long and vulnerable ones.

We went really deep, really fast.

My brain told me I’d only just met him, but my heart seemed to already know his.

He was familiar to me, as though we were old friends, lovers, or both.

It felt amazing.

Like I’d finally found what I’d been searching for, praying for.

But also…

It was terrifying.

My heart was all in and so ready to love him.

My nervous system was not.

All it could feel was fear that I couldn’t really trust this.

That it was all too much, too fast, and I’d end up heartbroken.

I shared with Three about my hesitations a bit.

He was so sweet and caring and reassuring.

Yet still, my system couldn’t quite trust his words.

It needed to see him act on them before it could really accept their truth.

When we finally met in person, it was like we’d known each other for years.

There was so much emotional intimacy between us immediately.

I shared my body with him a bit, and in the moment it was exciting and I felt safe exploring.

It had been the same with One and Two, I knew I felt safe with them right away and we were intimate pretty quickly.

This time though, it was different.

There was so much more emotional sharing and holding while we explored.

He was so affectionate and expressive and complimentary.

At one point he looked into my eyes and said with fierce authenticity: I feel like I can be my whole self with you, like I don’t have to hold anything back… I want to make love to you.

I know it sounds like it could’ve easily been a line to get me to fuck him, but looking in his eyes I just believed him.

The intensity of it all blew me away.

I felt so vulnerable afterwards.

Having so much more emotional intimacy and sharing my body so quickly, it was suddenly really scary.

What if he changed his mind?

What if he decided I’m too much and this is all too deep and just disappeared?

Could I really let myself sink into this connection safely, or was it all too fragile and precarious?

We talked about it the next day, and I shared my fears and doubts.

Three reassured me again, and again I could only absorb his words on a surface level.

It was like my system was saying ok sure, but can you prove it.

I did some reading and re-reading on attachment wounds, and it helped a bit.

We made plans to see each other again, and yesterday he drove up so we could spend the morning at the beach.

He brought a little beach tent so we could have some privacy, and we ended up making love…

A lot.

It was beautiful.

The whole time we gushed to each other.

Our constant expressions of love and desire toppling over each other, we couldn’t say them fast or frequently enough.

Both so excited the other was able to meet and share and connect like that.

Before we had sex, I told him I wasn’t quite sure I was ready.

He was so supportive and assured me he was ok with whatever I wanted.

We talked for a little while, and I decided I wanted to, but said I would need some emotional holding later.

I felt proud of myself for really tuning into what felt right, and asking for what I needed.

As our bodies connected, over and over, there was so much tenderness and deep affection.

He couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful and sexy I was, inside and out.

We talked so much.

Before, throughout, in between, and after.

About everything, but especially how much love we felt for each other already.

We fell into a world of our own making and completely lost track of time.

He had plans that he was going to be late for.

Yet as we said goodbye, he slowed down and held me for a long time.

I worried about his tardiness and tried to end it so he could get back home.

He dismissed my concerns and said we should just take our time, wrapping his strong and loving arms even tighter around me.

I felt so safe, so nurtured, so held.

But this morning, I’m suddenly not sure I can do this.

Combine emotional and physical intimacy on this level.

Maybe it’s my ingrained mono-normative thinking again?

Or is it actually just what my heart needs in order to feel safe in this new terrain?

Last night I felt vulnerable, and did something really brave.

I asked for what I was needing.

I texted Three… Just wondering if I could ask you for a check in before you go to sleep tonight?

His response was reassuring and he reiterated how special our time had been to him in a few different ways.

But, he also said he didn’t have time to check in.

He had to go to sleep and wake up early for work.

I hadn’t actually meant to ask for a phone call, I was just hoping to hear from him via text.

But he clearly thought I meant checking in by phone.

It felt silly, since it wasn’t what I’d even been hoping for, but hearing that he couldn’t make time to talk to me really stung.

Three has such an open and deep heart, I know he wants to have endless capacity for loving others, including me.

But I’m starting to wonder if his actual ability to show up for me matches the capacity he perceives in himself.

I didn’t reply to him last night.

I felt too raw and hurt and emotional, and wasn’t ready to let him into those feelings yet.

What if I was wrong wanting more emotional intimacy and consistency?

What if there’s no such thing in an ENM relationship?

What if no matter how hard Three tries, he’ll always be pulled in too many other directions for me to feel safe being so deeply connected?

I guess I just…

Don’t know if I can do this.

Being so vulnerable without more of a container to hold it all.

I really want to.

I hope I can get there.

I have so much love for Three already, and the potential for it to keep growing is palpable.

Is it possible to have too much love?

I never would have thought so before.

But then, until this year I never would have thought I was poly either.

And here I am.