Tag: erotic

  • Awake

    When I get home from his house it’s often really late at night.

    It takes an hour of driving on the freeway and some time on the backroads to get there.

    It’s not convenient I guess, but I think I’d drive anywhere to see my warrior.

    I should be exhausted afterwards and collapse into a sleep coma.

    But being near him, looking into his eyes and feeling him deep inside me.

    It’s electric and feels as though I’m energetically charged up for the rest of the night.

    After the first few times I realized there was nothing I could do about it, so I just leaned in.

    Now I kind of love it.

    I lie awake in bed, listening to music and processing through our time together.

    Songs he’s sent me, songs that remind me of him.

    Memories of sensations wash over and through me.

    The touch of his strong hands on my skin.

    His perfect full lips surrounding mine.

    His body merging with my own.

    He’s big.

    I’d never seen someone so big before.

    It takes my breath away when I see him.

    Each time he enters me after we’ve been apart it feels so intense I have to gasp for air.

    And the way he fucks me, it’s like the world is ending tomorrow and we’re the only people left on earth.

    I can tell some of our new relationship energy is starting to transition into security and devotion.

    We’ve entered a new phase.

    I trust him.

    I think he trusts me.

    I feel it in the way we look at each other.

    No longer with shock and disbelief that the other is real.

    There’s a sureness.

    A knowing.

    A depth.

    Tonight he held me.

    Kissed every inch of my face and made me feel like his queen.

    Then he fucked me like we were animals in the forest and made me feel free.

    Afterwards I wrapped around him and held his body as it rose and fell with each breath.

    I slept pressed against him, dreaming of someday staying overnight and getting to make love in the morning.

    I woke up a bit later to the smell of coffee.

    He makes it before I leave, to help me stay awake for the drive.

    He makes amazing coffee.

    I have to-go mugs I could bring with me, but I love using his.

    I love having a little piece of him in between our visits, even if it’s borrowed.

    God he’s so beautiful.

    I call him my warrior because he is one.

    He reminds me of men from another time.

    Tribal maybe, but not from any one culture or place I’ve ever known.

    He’s this unique mix of features and styles and qualities.

    Being in his presence is like being a tourist on another planet.

    He’s just, singular.

    Unparalleled.

    Rare.

    It’s almost 1am and I know I’ll be awake for hours still.

    That’s how he makes me feel actually, in every way.

    Awake.

  • Guitar

    Tonight he played it for me.

    He’s been super shy about it and I honestly thought it would be months from now until I got to hear him.

    It was a big deal.

    I can’t express how beautiful he was while his fingers danced along the strings.

    I’ve never seen him more radiant.

    More embodied.

    More true.

    I know how vulnerable it was for him to share that part of himself with me.

    I feel honored to be trusted.

    He’s so strong, my warrior.

    He fucks me like no one ever has.

    I’ve never felt such desire.

    Such passion.

    Yet there is such tenderness too.

    Often when we fuck it’s urgent and intense and hard.

    Tonight while he was inside me he slowed.

    Stared into my eyes and whispered

    When I’m with you all the extras and kink just disappear and all I can think is how beautiful you are, and how lucky I am to be inside you.

    I melted.

    This man.

    This man.

    I’ve never found this kind of masculinity so attractive before.

    It’s like he’s from another time.

    A gentleman.

    A working man.

    Yet also, he’s so intelligent and open-minded and wise.

    And jesus his Daddy energy is off the charts.

    I mean off.

    Sometimes I realize how in love with him I already am, and I get scared.

    I get uncomfortable feelings of wanting more than I can have with him.

    Fantasies of living with him and having his babies swirl through my thoughts each day.

    Is this ok?

    Maybe it’s natural.

    I feel such a need to devote myself to him.

    Yet am pulled back toward my devotion to my husband too.

    I find myself wishing I could be in two places at once.

    That I could clone myself and just live two beautiful lives with two beautiful men.

    If only.

    God he makes me so happy.

    Lights me up.

    Turns me on.

    Protects me, always.

    Still sometimes I have grief.

    It washes over me in moments when I am acutely aware of my love for him.

    And I think about all the things we’ll never get to experience together.

    Things that, in another time and place, I can see for us.

    Like, really see it all happening.

    And I get sad it never will.

    It’s been especially hard recently because there’s a chance he and his partner may separate.

    He’s been pondering various ways he’ll likely handle it if they do.

    When he talks about the possibility of dating someone new, my heart always drops.

    Not because I don’t want that for him, I absolutely do.

    I want him to have every good and true thing.

    But because actually, I wish I could date him.

    Like, really date him.

    Explore primary partnership.

    When these feelings surface, it terrifies me.

    I love my husband.

    He’s my person, my home, my family.

    It’s just.

    I love my warrior too.

    He is my passion, my protection, my growth.

    And he feels like home too, a different home.

    Like I said, maybe all of this is natural.

    I’ve never tried to be truly devoted to more than one person at once.

    I got close with C, but that was over before it ever really started taking shape.

    It’s hard, and I’m still figuring it out.

    How to balance and track it all, for both of them.

    And at the same time stay rooted in my self and stand in my truth.

    P leasure

    O pening

    L it up

    Y es Daddy

    Sometimes I wonder if I’m really strong and brave enough to be poly.

    And then I chuckle because being poly feels like having red hair.

    It’s just a part of me.

    Maybe it’s a new part, but so are my wrinkles and gray hairs and how I fall asleep at a grandma bedtime.

    Those are all parts of me too.

    New parts.

    New growth.

    New ways of being alive.

    I really want to be alive.

    And completely embody this life, like the crazy miracle it is.

    I see his face while he played for me tonight in my mind as I write this, my warrior.

    The look of focus and imagination in his eyes.

    And when he glanced over at me, the look of adoration in mine.

    Such a fucking miracle.

  • Warrior

    I’ve been nervous to write this post.

    Afraid that it’s all been the best dream.

    That putting it down in type would force me to wake up.

    But it’s starting to sink in now.

    This is real.

    It’s not like what I’ve felt before with poly connections.

    It’s not intense fear of falling in love, and when it inevitably happens they run.

    It’s also not love bombs and lies and promises they never intend to keep.

    It’s here to stay.

    He’s here to stay.

    I can’t bear to use a number for him, he’s so much more than that.

    I think I’ll call him my warrior.

    Because that’s what he is to me.

    He’s so different than anyone I’ve ever been with.

    He’s a fighter.

    He’s also a lover.

    On the surface he’s gruff and grumpy and hardened from everything life has thrown in his path.

    Underneath he’s soft and nurturing and so generous.

    He’s old fashioned, in the most endearing way.

    He loves watches and newsboy caps and opens every door for me.

    He holds me, all of me.

    Both physically and emotionally.

    When we fuck he picks me up like I’m light as a feather, even though I am most certainly not.

    And when I feel scared or overwhelmed, he holds me in that too.

    I’m never too much.

    I never feel like I have to hold back.

    He’s strong enough to handle my depth, and even seems to love it.

    He’s so strong.

    It takes my breath away honestly, the truth of his strength.

    It’s not performative.

    It’s just who he is.

    It just exudes from his pores, this protective energy.

    And when his arms wrap around me I’ve never felt so safe.

    Our chemistry is unreal.

    Before we met I think I already knew.

    But when I saw him for the first time, it solidified in me like a promise.

    My heart would love him.

    We walked toward each other and I practically fell into him.

    We hugged for so long.

    I couldn’t let go, it felt so crazy good to be close to him like that.

    He took my hand and led me into the restaurant, and I felt so special.

    We got in line to order our food and couldn’t stop just gazing at each other.

    We started kissing, touching, caressing.

    I looked at the long line ahead of us, and the crowded tables around us.

    We could just go back to your house, I said.

    I couldn’t believe my ears!

    Who the fuck was I?

    But I’ve never desired someone the way I desire him.

    It’s like a craving, a hunger, a need.

    So we left.

    When I got to his house he was waiting outside for me.

    And every time since he’s been waiting for me, just to make sure I get in safe.

    When we got inside it was such a blur.

    I felt consumed by his presence near me and couldn’t keep my hands off of his body.

    He’s tall.

    Built like a builder, and he is.

    I love that he works with his hands.

    Oh my god his hands!

    They’re huge, and somehow so strong and so tender all once.

    When he touched me I just melted.

    I can’t express the kind of passion I felt that first night.

    And every night since.

    The wanting.

    The needing.

    It was exhilarating yet safe.

    He is both.

    I met a new part of me in bed with him.

    It’s like she’d been there all along, just waiting to be unlocked.

    And he is the key.

    I’d been hoping, searching, longing for something on this journey.

    Never knowing exactly what it was, but promising myself I’d be brave and patient and keep my faith.

    It was blurry, mysterious, unknown.

    Yet I held my heart open, trusting I’d recognize it when it appeared.

    When I look into his eyes…

    I know I’ve found it.

    When I look into my own eyes after I’ve been with him…

    I know I’ve found me.

  • Vulnerable

    It’s Monday morning and I’m a mess.

    There are many reasons for this.

    In the last week, I quit smoking.

    Well I tried to quit, am still trying.

    I heard from C (ex/first love) that she’d fallen in love with someone new, which made my heart feel like it was inside a trash compactor.

    I got in a fight with my best friend; she hurt my feelings and I got mad (I almost never get mad).

    And I realized I was falling in love with someone new.

    I’ll call him Three.

    Three came out of nowhere.

    I had been hoping for months to meet someone who was more emotionally available than One and Two.

    Someone who could meet me in my deep feelings, and didn’t shy away from expressing affection with me.

    I’d just about given up and let go of that hope.

    Then Three showed up.

    His sweet smile shining through my phone screen.

    He felt gentle, loving, sensitive, genuine, and safe.

    So open and accessible.

    So ready to share and receive.

    So consistent in his efforts to build a connection with me.

    Right after we started talking, I got really sick with tonsillitis, and he was so patient with me while I recovered.

    Checking in on me almost daily to offer loving sentiments and support, and assuring me I could take as much time as I needed and he’d be there waiting.

    We started sending voice notes, long and vulnerable ones.

    We went really deep, really fast.

    My brain told me I’d only just met him, but my heart seemed to already know his.

    He was familiar to me, as though we were old friends, lovers, or both.

    It felt amazing.

    Like I’d finally found what I’d been searching for, praying for.

    But also…

    It was terrifying.

    My heart was all in and so ready to love him.

    My nervous system was not.

    All it could feel was fear that I couldn’t really trust this.

    That it was all too much, too fast, and I’d end up heartbroken.

    I shared with Three about my hesitations a bit.

    He was so sweet and caring and reassuring.

    Yet still, my system couldn’t quite trust his words.

    It needed to see him act on them before it could really accept their truth.

    When we finally met in person, it was like we’d known each other for years.

    There was so much emotional intimacy between us immediately.

    I shared my body with him a bit, and in the moment it was exciting and I felt safe exploring.

    It had been the same with One and Two, I knew I felt safe with them right away and we were intimate pretty quickly.

    This time though, it was different.

    There was so much more emotional sharing and holding while we explored.

    He was so affectionate and expressive and complimentary.

    At one point he looked into my eyes and said with fierce authenticity: I feel like I can be my whole self with you, like I don’t have to hold anything back… I want to make love to you.

    I know it sounds like it could’ve easily been a line to get me to fuck him, but looking in his eyes I just believed him.

    The intensity of it all blew me away.

    I felt so vulnerable afterwards.

    Having so much more emotional intimacy and sharing my body so quickly, it was suddenly really scary.

    What if he changed his mind?

    What if he decided I’m too much and this is all too deep and just disappeared?

    Could I really let myself sink into this connection safely, or was it all too fragile and precarious?

    We talked about it the next day, and I shared my fears and doubts.

    Three reassured me again, and again I could only absorb his words on a surface level.

    It was like my system was saying ok sure, but can you prove it.

    I did some reading and re-reading on attachment wounds, and it helped a bit.

    We made plans to see each other again, and yesterday he drove up so we could spend the morning at the beach.

    He brought a little beach tent so we could have some privacy, and we ended up making love…

    A lot.

    It was beautiful.

    The whole time we gushed to each other.

    Our constant expressions of love and desire toppling over each other, we couldn’t say them fast or frequently enough.

    Both so excited the other was able to meet and share and connect like that.

    Before we had sex, I told him I wasn’t quite sure I was ready.

    He was so supportive and assured me he was ok with whatever I wanted.

    We talked for a little while, and I decided I wanted to, but said I would need some emotional holding later.

    I felt proud of myself for really tuning into what felt right, and asking for what I needed.

    As our bodies connected, over and over, there was so much tenderness and deep affection.

    He couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful and sexy I was, inside and out.

    We talked so much.

    Before, throughout, in between, and after.

    About everything, but especially how much love we felt for each other already.

    We fell into a world of our own making and completely lost track of time.

    He had plans that he was going to be late for.

    Yet as we said goodbye, he slowed down and held me for a long time.

    I worried about his tardiness and tried to end it so he could get back home.

    He dismissed my concerns and said we should just take our time, wrapping his strong and loving arms even tighter around me.

    I felt so safe, so nurtured, so held.

    But this morning, I’m suddenly not sure I can do this.

    Combine emotional and physical intimacy on this level.

    Maybe it’s my ingrained mono-normative thinking again?

    Or is it actually just what my heart needs in order to feel safe in this new terrain?

    Last night I felt vulnerable, and did something really brave.

    I asked for what I was needing.

    I texted Three… Just wondering if I could ask you for a check in before you go to sleep tonight?

    His response was reassuring and he reiterated how special our time had been to him in a few different ways.

    But, he also said he didn’t have time to check in.

    He had to go to sleep and wake up early for work.

    I hadn’t actually meant to ask for a phone call, I was just hoping to hear from him via text.

    But he clearly thought I meant checking in by phone.

    It felt silly, since it wasn’t what I’d even been hoping for, but hearing that he couldn’t make time to talk to me really stung.

    Three has such an open and deep heart, I know he wants to have endless capacity for loving others, including me.

    But I’m starting to wonder if his actual ability to show up for me matches the capacity he perceives in himself.

    I didn’t reply to him last night.

    I felt too raw and hurt and emotional, and wasn’t ready to let him into those feelings yet.

    What if I was wrong wanting more emotional intimacy and consistency?

    What if there’s no such thing in an ENM relationship?

    What if no matter how hard Three tries, he’ll always be pulled in too many other directions for me to feel safe being so deeply connected?

    I guess I just…

    Don’t know if I can do this.

    Being so vulnerable without more of a container to hold it all.

    I really want to.

    I hope I can get there.

    I have so much love for Three already, and the potential for it to keep growing is palpable.

    Is it possible to have too much love?

    I never would have thought so before.

    But then, until this year I never would have thought I was poly either.

    And here I am.

  • Grateful

    Dear Two,

    Every time I see you I think it can’t get any better, yet the next time it does.

    I feel so comfortable around you, like we’ve known each other for ages.

    I’m so glad I decided to be brave and go on a date with you.

    I almost didn’t, have I told you that?

    I didn’t think we were going to align, that we were moving at different paces.

    Turned out that we could meet in the middle.

    It was the best surprise.

    Last week I visited, and you had just gotten back from a run when I arrived.

    Shirtless and drenched in sweat, you were so beautiful.

    I wanted my hands slipping all over you.

    I have to shower! You protested.

    I told you to just wait a moment because it was so hot.

    We kissed and I felt your wet skin.

    You tasted so salty and delicious, like when I’m surfing and lick my lips and taste the ocean.

    After you showered you made us amazing salads for dinner, and then we took a walk.

    All through your sweet city neighborhood.

    There was a pond nearby you wanted to show me, and we walked through the park.

    When we walk places you have a little ocd habit of needing to walk in the outside of me.

    It’s so heartwarming and protective and endearing.

    That night you had your arm around me, gently holding the small of my back as we strolled.

    It was such a small but sweet gesture of the intimacy I feel constantly growing between us.

    In contrast to One, you seem to really like communicating between our visits.

    Sending me little notes and check ins if it’s been a few days since we connected.

    I love that you send me audios too, your voice is always so sweet and genuine.

    And the lovemaking…

    It’s so expansive and organic and sensual.

    I lose track of how many times we have it each overnight, but it’s a lot.

    It always feels like you can’t get enough of me, and it’s the best feeling.

    I love that you’re uncircumcised.

    It’s new for me, and so exciting and sexy.

    Everything about you feels new and different, yet at the same time you feel as safe as my childhood home.

    I love you, deeply and truly.

    I think you know.

    And although I don’t think you’re ready for me to say it aloud, you seem to be comfortable and not freaked out by it.

    I’m so grateful for that.

    Thank you, love.

    I’m learning so much from our time together.

    You’re growing me, exponentially.

    Since you’ve entered my life I feel braver, more confident, more comfortable in this new skin I now inhabit.

    And I have the feeling we’re just getting started.

    I can’t wait to see all the things you’ve yet to teach me about myself.

    I drew your portrait yesterday.

    Making portraits of people I love helps me process my feelings about them.

    It’s an outward expression of my inner devotion and adoration.

    It means you’re in, babe.

    You’ve made a home inside my heart, and I’m so happy to have you there.

    You feel so right, so safe, so real.

    So thank you.

    For holding all of me, and not telling me I’m too much.

    I’m so grateful.