Tag: integration

  • Home

    Did that really just happen?

    Did I go on a date with someone other than my husband?

    Did I really kiss him?

    Did I really like it?

    Yes.

    It did happen.

    And I did like it.

    The way he smelled.

    The way he sounded.

    The way he kept asking me how I was.

    If I felt safe.

    The way his eyes sparkled when he smiled.

    The way our conversation just flowed.

    No long pauses.

    No awkward moments.

    The way we talked about the hardest part of my life and also the plot of the book he’s reading.

    The way it felt like I’d known him for so much longer than a month.

    The way he seemed familiar to me, like an old friend.

    The way he tasted.

    The way his hands felt in mine.

    So soft.

    So strong.

    So gentle.

    I liked it all.

    How sacred it felt.

    This leap into the unknown we were both taking.

    Taking a chance on our hearts, sharing them with someone new.

    Unlocking a new piece of ourselves in this energetic container we were creating.

    It felt so sweet, so easy to fall into.

    Terrifying and liberating all at once.

    Like everything I’ve been so afraid would hurt me was actually meant to heal me.

    The only hard thing was driving home.

    Knowing I’d have to share it with my husband.

    Knowing it would hurt both of us to have that conversation.

    Yet when I came in to tell him I was back, tears of joy welled in my eyes.

    All I could think was how grateful I was to come back to him.

    How lucky I am that he was there waiting for me.

    How the only reason this part of me has felt safe enough to emerge, to become alive in me.

    Is because of the safety of his love.

    The way he has held my heart with reverence all these years, and healed the wounds I thought I’d carry forever.

    I fell into his arms, and told him these things.

    As he wiped my tears and shed his own, I knew I was home.

    With him.

    With myself.

  • Breathe

    Brand new.

    All of this.

    Tomorrow I have a first date.

    I’ve never done this, any of it.

    Dated.

    Met someone online.

    Before last summer, I’d only loved two people.

    Had only slept with a few others.

    I never realized it before, but I think I was proud of that.

    Only now, as I’m faced with letting go of that piece of my identity, has it registered for me.

    This sense that I was innocent or pure, the way I’ve been cultured to be the ideal for women.

    I’ve always felt like my sexuality could only be sacred if I kept it small and private, held in a monogamous container.

    As this new part of me grows inside, I’m having to question that belief.

    I was taught that this side of me was only safe if I held it close, and could bring me pain if I let it truly become alive.

    What if this was all wrong?

    What if pain can find me no matter what, and keeping my sexuality in a cage has been just as harmful?

    What if love doesn’t have to mean ownership, and the process of cultivating deep trust in that love is what actually brings true security.

    It’s hard.

    To let go of who I’ve always been, what I’ve always believed.

    But also, I feel lighter.

    Braver.

    Safer.

    Freer.

    More whole.

    More me.

    Like this part of me has been waiting a lifetime to be born.

    Just aching for me to be ready to allow it to breathe.

  • Witness

    I see you, young one.

    You, the newest part of me.

    Just born.

    Just stretching your limbs and breathing air into your lungs for the first time.

    I hear you, just finding your voice and marveling at the very sound of it.

    I know the rest of me is nervous, afraid even.

    I know the rest of me wants to keep you small and safe, to manage and control you.

    But I’m here, ready to witness who you are becoming in this world.

    I’m here, ready to let you grow and expand and thrive in all the ways you are needing.

    I’m here, ready to nurture your budding curiosity and desire for freedom.

    I’m here, ready to offer you spaciousness to be the wild and feral being that you are.

    I’m here, willing and able to hold room for you to make your own mistakes and find your own way.

    I’m not going to lock you up behind closed doors.

    I’m not going to keep you separate and caged from the rest of me.

    I promise, I will help you integrate and manifest fully within me.

    I see, really see, all the blessings and abundance you are bringing to all parts of my life.

    I understand that letting you breathe and become alive means all of me benefits and flourishes more.

    You are evolving, awakening from the darkness of slumber and mystery.

    You are unfolding right before my eyes, so beautiful and sparkling new.

    You are emerging, ready to be held and loved and tended to.

    I promise, I will do my best to walk with you and witness you on this journey we’re on together.

    I promise, I won’t turn away.