Please

Hey love.

I’m writing you a letter because I can’t talk to you.

You need time.

To think about what I said.

To consider what I’m asking.

Or maybe to decide what to say when you tell me no.

The waiting is excruciating.

I can’t read you right now.

Can’t get any sense of where your heart is.

Of how you feel about me.

Of what you want.

Of what you don’t.

I am praying so hard.

That you’re actually letting yourself entertain this possibility.

Not just talking yourself out of it.

That you can remember what it was like in the beginning.

How it feels when my arms are around you.

That together, we are home.

I’m terrified it’s too late.

That you’ve already closed your heart to me.

Maybe even opened it to someone else.

Scared that you’re just going to discern this internally and decide all by yourself.

That I’ll never get the chance to talk through it with you.

Express how deep my love goes.

How singular my devotion is.

How when I have you, I don’t want anyone else.

How when I think of our potential life together, I feel alive in a way that is brand new.

How no matter how much I fight it, my heart knows that it’s yours.

I’ve been denying that truth for months.

Honestly since we first met.

But I just can’t anymore.

My life without you feels empty now.

Everything that used to feel right and familiar, is suddenly foreign to me.

It’s like I’m living someone else’s life for them.

Wearing someone else’s skin.

Speaking someone else’s words.

When I imagine getting to share my life with you, I feel like we’d be creating and weaving and integrating our worlds into something new and so beautiful.

Something all our own.

I still dream about us having a baby.

Almost every night.

When I wake up and realize it was just a dream, my heart drops.

I know it wouldn’t be easy.

I know all the practical challenges we’d face.

I can’t explain it except to say I feel meant for it.

Meant to do life with you.

I’m terrified and there are a lot of questions I still can’t answer yet.

So many unknowns.

So many reasons for you to say no.

To walk away.

To choose someone else.

But love, please don’t.

Please.